By JACK McCAFFERY
jmccaffery@21st-centurymedia.com
Philadelphia is the No. 1 monopoly market in baseball, a basketball-minded city in a football-obsessed state, a city with a legendary hockey fan base.
So it could not be without a special collection of minds that such a sports think-tank could simultaneously have its five major-league teams out of the playoffs. That makes it time to assign blame to one individual for each franchise, with no silver medals, no ties, no place money.
Go:
Eagles: At some recent point, he decided that he wasn't going to just try to win a Super Bowl, but that, darn it, he was going to do so with Andy Reid no matter how the counter-arguments were stacking up against him. By the time he finally figured out what everyone else knew - that Reid was a sloppy game-day coach and a horrifying public voice on every other day - the Birds could barely win a football game.
The Eagles appear to have the right coach in Chip Kelly. But they hired him too late to alter this competition.
So get out of your licensed seats and give it up for Jeffrey Lurie, the No. 1 reason the Eagles are not a playoff team.
Flyers: He so mishandled a goaltending crisis in a Stanley Cup final that the organization soon after was nudged into panic spending for stability in net.
Not that many others could have either, but he could not sufficiently get along with Mike Richards, who was traded ... and then won a Stanley Cup.
After his 2012 team won a playoff round, he blunted Claude Giroux's development as a star by calling him the best player in the world. Ever since, the Flyers have been unable to generate consistent offense or concoct a compelling winning streak.
Paul Holmgren supports him, and Ed Snider supports Paul Holmgren, so he is going to be around to try to reverse the pattern.
In that case, let's erect a statue in the parking lot for Peter Laviolette, the No. 1 reason the Flyers are not a playoff team.
Phillies: With a chance to win the 2009 World Series, he resisted trading Domonic Brown for Roy Halladay. Ever since, he has been running the wrong way on that treadmill.
He has allowed popular players to age into mediocrity rather than to have sold them at high value. He has formed a bad mix of hitters and a leader-free clubhouse. He is overseeing a decline in attendance, one that could handcuff the franchise financially. And it would not be the first time the Phillies used that excuse to turn cheap.
So all together now, except in the increasingly quiet upper deck, let's give a rousing ovation to Ruben Amaro Jr., the No. 1 reason the Phillies are not a playoff team.
Sixers: They were a second-round postseason participant in 2012 but didn't trust themselves to repeat. Even if they did, they were never going to be champions without major changes.
So they acted aggressively and wound up with a center believed to be as talented as any in basketball. That meant that the decision-makers, their head coach included, were trying. Turned out that center, technically because he had sore knees, displayed no matching dedication ... not that it would prevent him from seeking to convert a split at a bowling alley or executing one on a dance floor.
Acknowledging that nothing shy of a cockeyed Constitution Center pep rally would best suit this grand announcement, let's let him feel the love anyway. Way to go, Andrew Bynum. You are the No. 1 reason the 76ers are not a playoff team.
Union: It took only two full seasons for the Chester-based side to reach the MLS postseason --- then a few months to scuttle many of the recognized players.
One individual was blamed, and he was fired. But how's about an organized chant from the River End for Peter Nowak, the No. 1 reason the Union is not a playoff team.
So plop the blame on one owner, one coach, one general manager, one manager and one employee who turned out not to be a player for a ridiculous 0-for-5 slump.
Happy heckling.